Have you ever slept on the floor with someone you liked?
Haha, yes! I was in college once. Didn't we all sleep on the floor?

Who is your last text from?
Melissa

Which movie did you last see in theaters?
Um ... I have no clue. Maybe it was I Love You Man? We need to go to more movies.

Are you crushing on someone?
Do people still use this terminology?

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
No, because whatever happened led me to here and now, and I am happy with both.

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?
Nick and I spend every minute together, but we hate each other and I'm miserable, so I guess not.

Who's thinking about you right now?
I would hope Nick. And probably the patient I have been talking to ALL DAY.

Do you like to cuddle?
Yes please! Though in our house it is called snuddling.

What is your current annoyance?
My stupid job.

What do you currently hear at the moment?
A printer, a phone ringing, and the sound of my own silent misery at being at work.

Are you easily scared by horror movies?
I am just easily scared in general.

Do you know anyone who's been in jail?
Yes.

Who did you last hang out with?
Other than Nick and my immediate family? Christine.

If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
Fall, all the way! Fall is totes my favorite season.

Did anyone pick you up off the ground today?
Never!

What's something you really want right now, be honest!
To be independently wealthy and not have to work. I was not made for working. I try and I try, but it just never seems to work out.

Have you ever woken up next to someone and were freaked out?
A few weeks ago, I woke up next to Nick (as I do daily), and I was freaked out because I was so close to falling off the edge of the bed, as Nick somehow decided that my side of the bed was going to be his, too. Does that count?

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with the letter A?
At least the one.

Are you looking forward to anything?
Three weeks off from work later this year! Of course, I'm supposed to say my wedding, my honeymoon, etc., but really? I am just looking forward to not being here for three entire weeks.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
Non-work related, Nick. (Anyone finding a trend here?)

Plans for tomorrow?
Work, then stopping by Susan and Steve's afterwards to drop off her shower gift. Then perhaps some dinner in Forest Hills.

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
Yes.

Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?
Oh yes, totally.

Are you comfortable with your height?
I wish I was taller, but overall, yes. I'd rather be short than be taller than everyone else. But I'd rather be taller than I am right now.

Do you have a bad temper?
Yes, and also a very unfortunate tendency to not filter when I am angry. So I just try to ignore until I calm down.

Ever been so drunk someone else had to carry you?
I've had to be supported while walking, but not carried, no.

Are you easily amused?
Oh, very unfortunately. I laugh at everything.

Do you miss someone?
Yes.

Who was your last received call from?
Sigh. Non-work related, it was Nick. Seriously. Why do I bother filling these out?

Are you doing anything tonight?
Oh yes, it's a very exciting evening planned. First, I am going to grumble my way home on the subway. Then, I'm going to go to CVS and buy some stuff. Then, I'll probably go home and watch the Mets game. JEALOUS???

Do you watch MTV anymore?
Not at all.

Do you sleep with a fan on?
Yup, every night.

What is bothering you?
IhatemyjobIhatemyjobIhatemyjobIhatemyjobIhatemyjobIhatemyjobIhatemyjobIhatemyjobIhatemyjobIhatemyjobIhatemyjobIhatemyjobIhatemyjobIhatemyjob.

Did you get anything off your chest today?
Yes. I am lucky to have wonderful co-workers who actually listen to me whine and bitch.

Were you happy when you woke up?
No, because I had to come here.

When someone says "we need to talk," what runs through your mind?
I immediately panic.

Do you mind being cold?
I actually prefer it.

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
Yes. Most recently while watching (and then re-watching) an SNL skit.

If you could go back 8 months and change something would you?
Eight months ago ... let's see. I don't think so. Mostly because I don't remember what was going on eight months ago.

Do you drink coffee?
Every day.

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
Multiple times!

Do you find piercings attractive?
I do, yes, and part of me still wishes I had more.

When is your birthday?
March 16.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
There are several.

Ever made someone cry?
I'm not sure. I think so. I think people have cried, though, when they have made me cry and they've had to sit there and watch/listen to me cry about it. It's hard not to cry when you have made someone else cry, I think. Or so they tell me.

Are you mad at your best friend?
Um, nope.

Is this year the best year of your life?
I think 2008 was better ... but I'm sure at the end of the year I will say this year was better. For right now, though, last year was a bit better.

Dear Livejournal,

Why is it every time I log in, I have 18 new Russian friends? Why is it that I continue to report each and every one and they are still active journals when clearly they are just bots? Can we stop this now?

Kthx,
Marissa

Nick and I have been talking recently about where we want to go in the world and what we want to see. (As if Iceland and Alaska aren't out there enough.) We've been talking about seeing Australia one of these days. Did you know that Australia's time zones are completely fucked up? I don't understand them AT ALL. I even read the wiki page about them twice and I still don't get it. I'm sure this makes sense to native Australians (and I know I have at least one who reads my journal, so if you want to offer up some explanation, I'm more than happy to read it), but to me, it just gives me a headache. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_in_Australia

In other news entirely, lately I've been feeling sort of shitty; sad and mopey all the time. I have a lot of great and exciting things going on, and overall I'm quite happy, but I keep getting stuck on things from my past that just make me sad.

I've tried to be a good person in life. I think for the most part I've succeeded. I like to consider myself a good friend. But I don't think I really have been. Lately I have been focusing on the many people I've disappointed, whether it be by constant fighting, erecting walls around myself, smothering people or just cutting people out of my life. I don't know if it's a part of everyone's life or what, but I get the feeling I am not the great friend I think I am, and it makes me feel guilty, tired and sad.

I've let plenty of people down in my life, whether it's one or two times or a bunch of plotpoints down the line. It's funny that I usually never focus on this. I don't know if it's classic avoidance or what, but it doesn't feel that great.

We sent out save the dates for our wedding, and I was surprised to learn that people I always assumed I would invite were not on the list. I am sad to think about that. I am sad to think about the people I've lost along the way, whether it be by my own volition or not.

I miss a lot of people. And most times I just did it to myself, so I feel even more guilty about that. And I don't know if they miss me, or whether it's more of a sad reflective sort of missing, or if they never think about me at all. I suppose it is what it is, and it's just life, and a bunch of other tired sayings. But that doesn't stop me from feeling sad, or from regretting things I've done. Am still doing.

Anyway, I just feel depressed.

Sometimes I really get fed up with New York. Everyone is so rude, all the time, and it gets old. Usually it doesn't bother me, but sometimes it occurs to me to be annoyed at all of the annoying people who are annoyed at everyone else. I sometimes fantasize about living somewhere in the Midwest, maybe the Pacific Northwest, where everyone is friendly and instead of getting nasty stares walking down the street, people stop, smile and say hello. I think about what a welcome change that would be, and how much nicer I would be as a person. I bet everyone would walk slow instead of rushing to get away from everyone all the time. I could enjoy a leisurely stroll!

And then I realize that that would get old in about a week, and I'd go back to hating everyone and everything. I'm from New York; it's in my blood.

During my commute to work this morning, I was thinking about how I am getting married this year. This is a topic I am usually thinking about. I have never felt like more of a girl in my life. Needless to say, I am thrilled. I have a wonderful relationship with Nick, the kind of relationship I always wanted but never was able to attain.

Which led me to think about everything that I have been through. I am literally baffled that I ever got to this point in my life. I was thinking that Nick and I have not had an argument (not even a small one) in weeks. I cannot even remember the last time we argued or what we argued about, or, for that matter, the last time I argued with anybody. I used to be so argumentative. I used to fight with everyone, from my mother, to my roommates, to my best friends. I was angry at everyone, but more than that, I was angry at myself. And I showed it, every day, in every action I committed, in every word I spoke. Nothing I ever did was without anger, without selfishness, without an utter lack of dismissal. I just didn’t care. I thought, at the time, that I cared too much, but using hindsight it is so clear to me that I just didn’t care.

How did I get to a time in my life where I’m happy? Things are serene on most days. I wake up and, just like that, I am happy. I cannot tell you how hard I strived for these mornings a few years ago. I went from not caring about anyone – not even myself, because I couldn’t – to loving another human being enough to be around him every waking moment, to loving my friends so much that instead of reacting with jealousy and rage, I react with effusive pride and jubilation.

I am always grateful that I made it to this point in my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t acknowledge the struggle it took me to get here and the pride I feel in myself for doing so. But some days it hits me harder than others. I am grateful to MYSELF for getting here. Not my friends, not Nick, not an ex-boyfriend. Me. It was my hard work to recover from a debilitating illness, one that saw me bedridden on a daily basis, one that turned me into a monster – not only to others, but, more importantly, to myself. I tore myself apart, every single day. I wept with rage over everything and nothing. I became reclusive, when I always prided myself on the many friendships I have always enjoyed. When I look back now, I think, “That wasn’t me. That couldn’t have been me.”

But it was. And I grew into a functional adult. I have a good-paying job. I have a wonderful home filled with things that I love. I have Nick, who is more than I ever dreamed or expected in who I would get to call my partner. I have a great relationship with my mother. I have friends who I laugh with for hours, who I eagerly call to tell them little nothings about my day – wedding plans, Mets tickets, gossip. I am excited to live my life. I am THRILLED I get to live my life. I am just so goddamn happy to have this life. Sometimes I am just so elated that things turned out this way for me that I can’t keep it inside. If you had told me five years ago I would say that, there is no way I would have believed you.

But they did. My life is great. I am happy. I am grateful for everything in my life. And sometimes I just want to shout it from the rooftops, you know?

I graduated college three and a half years ago. I have not been a Drew student in six and a half years. I recognize college as the lowest point in my life. I was pretty bad when I got to Drew, but when I wasn’t able to come back something in me changed. I spent the next three years hiding in my dorm room at Stony Brook, leaving only for class and to visit my friends in New Jersey. I basically lived for Drew. It was difficult, because it was the only place I was happy, but it was also a place I held so much bitterness and resentment for. Going there was a unique mixture of pleasure and pain, and even in my darkest times, when I literally couldn’t leave my bed, when the thought of spending the weekend there felt torturous, I always went. I couldn’t not go. And on those weekends, things always happened that stayed with me, that pushed me through my college years. I know I never would have made it without Drew, without the people who went there. So remembering those years, remembering how sad I was, how low and meek and driven by forces that I couldn’t control, is always something I have trouble reconciling. Because they were so happy, while also being so miserable, that to remember Drew is, always, to cry.

I think of the person I was then, and how so little mattered to me but those weekends and those who populated them, and what an enormous weight I put on their collective shoulders - “Here, make me happy, you are the only ones who can do it.” And I’m sad for that person, who only had weekends to make her happy. I remember her and I cry sometimes, because I just want her to get better, and she doesn’t know yet that she will.

I still have my Drew acceptance letter. (In contrast, I am not sure that I ever even got one from Stony Brook.) I keep it hidden away because whenever I find it, I read it and wind up in tears. So I don’t like to look at it, but I can’t help but keep it. I guess it’s sort of masochistic of me, but I know I’ll never throw it away.

Sometimes random things will transport me back in time, 5 or 6 years ago, and I’ll be that person all over again. I heard a song yesterday for the first time in 5 or 6 years, and just listening to it again made me feel smaller, younger, and infinitely more sad. Even though it’s a song we used to sing with a lot of happiness, it just instantly made me feel the way I did when I sang it for the first time.

Oftentimes I think that I am so far past that person and those days, but really, all it takes is a pin drop for me to be right back where I was, feeling the same feelings, thinking the same thoughts. And I can’t help but cry because that’s what I was doing back then. I still mourn for the past version of myself.

I really hate it when people push the elevator button after it has already been pushed. Do they think it sends an additional message to the elevator gods, saying, "Hurry it up, I'm really important here"? Not only do normal, everyday working class Joes such as myself do it, but oncologists. People who get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, who are at the top of the intelligence pool, who we entrust with our lives and those of our families every day. Scores of these fine people press the button after it is already lit up. The best is when you get to the button first, push it, and they follow behind you and push it once more - why is that? For good measure? Or because my push didn't count because it didn't have 11 years of top-tier collegiate education behind it? Maybe it's because I didn't push it the right way. Maybe there is more than one way to send for an elevator that I'm not privy to because SUNY schools don't teach that in core-required science classes (I took a class about natural disasters - case in point).

I have no idea what it is, but I wish I could successfully get the elevators to come to my floor the way they can. Because it always works for them, doesn't it? It's not the fact that I pushed the button two minutes before that sends the elevator as soon as they press the button - it's because of their godlike, all-powerful touch. It's gotta be.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
I got engaged. I bought an apartment. I celebrated a one-year anniversary. I hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas with Nick. I flew cross-country to Seattle and took a cruise to Alaska. Co-hosted a party. I am going to Vegas next week. It's been a productive and exciting year.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I am quoting my answer from last year, which is: I avoid making resolutions on New Year's. I try to make them as I go along. Easier to stick to that way.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, Kimmy and Omadai both gave birth within 2 weeks of each other!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Luckily, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
Just Canada. Again. Third year in a row I've been to Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Honestly, I had an insanely great year. I was not lacking much, if anything. I guess snow boots, because walking in the city in snow/slush while wearing sneakers is ridiculous.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 12. April 17. July 9. September 4.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Convincing someone to marry my dumb butt.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not updating my Livejournal more. I somewhat miss it. I can't believe that the first page of my journal contains over an entire year's worth of entries.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Sure did, had strep throat that morphed into a wicked cold that lasted for a month and a half.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets to Seattle! Our apartment. A wedding dress (though actually my mother bought that for me).

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Nick. Lauren. Melissa. Kim and Kimberly, most definitely. Erica.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Patients who were such assholes to me that I cried on more than one occasion at work. Quelle awesome!

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills bills bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Wedding planning has been fun so far. Going dress shopping (for mine and my bridesmaids' dresses) was crazy. To see myself and my friends in the dresses we are going to wear on the big day is all sorts of surreal.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
Hmm. The Carlos Beltran song? I have no idea. I listen to so much crap that I really can't keep track of it all.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? I was pretty happy at this time last year, but I would say I'm even happier this year.
ii. thinner or fatter? I have definitely gained weight. Boo.
iii. richer or poorer? I just got a 22% raise, so you do the math. :D

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I don't know. I'm pretty content with the past year. I did lots of things that I enjoyed and I did them often, so I can't say.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Work! I feel like I work so much.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Well, it was yesterday, and Nick and I woke up ass-early to exchange presents. Later, we had our mothers and my brother come over for antipasta, lasagna and way too much dessert. We played Yahtzee and watched basketball (why this is a recurring theme in two families who NEVER watch basketball is beyond me) and I showed off WiiMusic, which Nick very thoughtfully got me for Christmas.

21. How will you be spending New Years Eve?
On the Vegas strip, fireworks overhead and drunk as a skunk.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I fell more in love, but I was already in love in 2007.

23. How many one-night stands?
You mean with people other than Nick? No comment. :)

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Amazing Race! And all-day bridal programming on Sundays on the We channel. Nick watches football, I watch Bridezillas. What?

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, I don't hate anyone, but I think I dislike all the same people that I disliked in years past. Meh.

26. What was the best book you read?
Even though I read more than one book a week (because I am sick like that), I have to say that The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger was the best book I have read in years. In fact, I finished it (in a day and a half) two weeks ago and I haven't started another book because it was so good that I feel like nothing will ever come close to it. Other good books were all Emily Giffen books, David Sedaris' newest, Dreams from my Father by Barack Obama ... lots of others that I can't think of. I read a lot.

27. What were your greatest musical discoveries?
Brandi Carlisle and Sia.

28. What did you want and get?
An engagement ring, an apartment, to go on a really great vacation, WiiMusic ... lots of things.

29. What did you want and not get?
To win Mega-Millions? I don't know.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Boy, I sure saw a lot! I'm not sure what would be my favorite. I can't even think of a list of things I saw.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned a quarter of a century old! Nick was nice enough to get a hotel suite for all of my friends to get together and celebrate. Since we didn't have our apartment yet, we got a great suite in the city and had a great turn out of people to come celebrate. There are lots of unflattering pictures of that night, which signifies just how great it was.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If the Mets had finally learned not to choke in the final weeks leading up to the post-season. Goddamn you, Metropolitans!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Whatever I can pull out of my closet that matches. I was lazy this year. Mostly my wardrobe comes from New York and Company and all looks slightly similar.

34. What kept you sane?
Kim and Kimberly, fo sho, because without them I would be a mess at work. Erica, for constantly listening to my epic tales of woe and giving great advice. Nick, for living with me and not running for the hills. Matt and Lauren, for being the mostest funnest people to hang out with. Random text messages from Melissa that make me smile.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Haha, David Wright? I talked a lot about his butt. And I don't think it qualifies as "fancying," but I sure did worship Carlos Delgado this year.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Undoubtedly Election '08 slash Prop 8.

37. Who did you miss?
Always the Connies. I miss my TMP friends a lot, but I'm glad I don't work there. Melissa, who lives too far away for my liking.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Did I meet anyone new this year? I'm not so sure.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
What matters during the day doesn't matter. It's what you come home to that should make or break your day. And my days were always made.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"For you, there'll be no crying. For you, the sun will be shining. Cause I feel that when I'm with you, it's alright - I know it's right. And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score, and I love you, I love you, I love you like never before."

"El esta aqui! El esta aqui!"

Nothing like coming back from the vacation of a lifetime, having your roommate/significant other leave for the week on business, and sitting alone moping and feeling sorry for yourself to really kill the vacation buzz.

I don't know when I became so dependent, but this really sucks.

October 23, 2009.

In case you were wondering.

... holy shit.

Tonight is my last night at home. Tomorrow morning, I move into the co-op that Nick and I bought together, and we begin our lives together. That's insane, isn't it?

I'm so ecstatic. I know that this is a life-changing event, one that will really solidify the shift from childhood to adulthood for me. It started when I met Nick, and then I got a job in the city, and then I got engaged ... and now, I move in with the future hubs and begin planting my roots elsewhere.

It all feels right. All of the stress and the nausea and the overwhelmed crying ... it's driving me crazy but I know it's natural, I know it's how I'm supposed to be feeling and it's OK. For someone who has vehemently rejected change all of her life, it is bizarre that I am embracing this next change with all the strength of my 25 years. It's hard in many ways, but it's easier in more ways.

I am so looking forward to closing the door on my childhood. It wasn't a very good one, not by any stretch of the imagination, but it brought me here, and I'm ready to leave it behind.

Kew Gardens, here I come!

We are engaged.

As in, I have a ring on my finger. And we are officially getting married.

Our board interview is on Thursday. We should be moving into our own - and owned - co-op in a month or two.

A lot changes in a year. Who knew that this is where I would be?

Never been happier.

More for later, and stuff.

... can a girl go from being identified as a prostitute to debuting on New York's number one radio station's top 9 countdown.

Seriously.

"Kristen," aka Ashley Alexandra Dupre, who became famous just this week for screwing Spitzer for $4200 a night, has also broken onto the radio charts. Famewhore much? And Americans (or, at least, New Yorkers), are requesting to hear the prostitute's song on the radio.

Again, only in America.

Joe and I were talking tonight, trying to figure out the perfect message to send to a cute somebody on a certain social networking site. After many tries, we finally melded them together into this one magical message. Please share your thoughts:

"I think you're suxxuh. 'Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me.' My screename is nyyankee48. Hit me up. ps how big is it. a/s/l????? I'm sure your shoes are nice. Wanna fuck? Maybe we could meet and do it in the loo?"

So, if you got this magical message from someone, how fast would you take off your pants and do the sender? Just wondering.

Feeling guilty is strange. Feeling guilt at something totally natural and really out of your control - and I speak about feelings here (for lack of a better and less used word) - is odd. Because there is really nothing you can do about it - you cannot force yourself to feel any certain way, no matter how much you would like to. And this is the crux; this is a ruiner of relationships of every sort - parent/child, lover/lover, friend/friend, teacher/student, etc. So why bother feeling guilt at all? If you cannot help it, if you cannot control it, then why go through the torture?

At any rate.

Our sellers have found an apartment, and so our move into the most beautiful apartment ever is in process. After the 80 zillion things we have to do, we should be settled by early summer.

We need to submit four reference letters (eight total) for our board approval. I now submit to you, ladies and gentlemen, the letter that I asked Matt and Lauren (heretofore referred to as the McSilvers) to pen in my reference:

Dear Sir or Madam:

Please find this personal recommendation letter in favor of Mr. Chad Sexington and Ms. Mariska Larubbinator, two fine upstanding youths seeking to overcome their financial hardships, drug addictions, gambling problems, and enormous mountains of debt in search of the American Dream: Home Ownership within your fine establishment.

We have known the Sexingtons for the better part of this weekend, and can say, without a doubt, that they know how to party - and LOUD. Seriously, if you ever want to have a good, rawkus, and property-damaging time, look them up, because they are FUN! That is why I think they would be a perfect fit as part of your real estate community.

In conclusion, we strongly support their bid to live, among their many, many varieties of aromatic pets, in your co-operative property, and look forward to joining them there this July 4th to celebrate the birth of our great nation with live, indoor fireworks.

Respectfully yours,

The McSilvers

Is it possible to love a married couple any more (and in a legal way)? I think not.

Also, I want to bite Daniel Day-Lewis' moustache. Just sayin'. What a fine specimen.

Oh I - I never meant to let you down
I’ll wait with the stake in my heart
I never meant to put you down

So, Nick and I put an offer on a beautiful apartment in Kew Gardens, and it was accepted.

Yup. Nick and I on the road to being homeowners.

Just thought I'd share.

Dear Michael Cera,

Will you marry me?

You are the latest in a long chain of inappropriate sexual feelings I have had for younger, slightly effeminate, slightly homosexual men. Except I like you best. You are just awkward enough to be endearing, without being alarmingly so. You are sweet and sincere. Your humor is so subtly understated that you make me speak in redundancies. Sometimes I can't tell if you are making a joke or being serious, the line between the two is so blurry.

To me, you are perfect, and I would love to be the next Juno in your line. You can impregnate me in an armchair any day. (Hopefully you will also be wearing a headband and, before all the sexual intercourse, short gold track shorts. At the very least, a horribly awkward polo shirt ala George Michael.) And then we can shout the word "samesies" together from the rooftops. It will be glorious.

Much inappropriate love and kisses,
Marissa

If you don't feel like reading that super long entry ... ( just read this survey instead! )